Planet Jupitus: There’s one f-word no player likes to hear

I was very taken with a phrase that I read last week in Tony Cascarino’s piece on the rigours of pre-season training: “carrying extra timber”. Never has the gaining of weight been given such a robust dignity.

I mentioned this to some friends the other day, which got us into a chat about fat footballers. One of the great joys of Upton Park is seeing men, who look only one chicken tikka masala away from a serious cardiac event singing: “Big fat, big fat Frank, big fat Frankie Lampard.” Lampard is what at worst could be called “stocky” – but fat? Jan Molby is another talented professional who was somehow perceived as fat. That’s the weird thing; after I had heard the crowds week after week, he did start to look overweight. It was like a form of mass hypnosis. That is how affirmation works for those with self-esteem issues. They sit in front of a mirror and tell themselves that they’re nice, happy and not ugly, and eventually they believe it.

Football chants inadvertently employ a similar theory on a grander scale. I dare say what Lampard sees in the mirror differs from what his critics at Upton Park see on the field.

OK, I have a vested interest. As a seasoned trencherman, I have always tended towards what mother delightfully called “big-boned”. The one time I showed a leaning towards the game was in the summer of 1973. A school pal called Dennis Lepine formed a kind of ad hoc football club for misfits who loved the game but weren’t cool enough to play with the proper kids. During one session, I was in goal and managed to pull off a few neat saves. The die was cast.

Dennis referred to me as “Spider”, the only nickname I ever had, for only one summer. He held an awards ceremony and presented me with a small china vase borrowed from his mother’s front room, naming me player of the season. I had to give the vase back three months later, but winning it remains to this day my greatest sporting achievement and one of my proudest moments.

So spare a thought for those hefty footballers. They have hearts, too. Hearts of oak . . .

Comments

[Isobel Curtis]

Fat Legends XI

1. Neville Southall
2. Neil Ruddock
3. Julian Dicks
4. Gary Pallister
5. Steve Bruce
6. Jan Molby
7. Phil Scholes
8. Paul Gascoigne
9. John Barnes
10. Thomas Brolin
11. Diego Maradona
John Hartson

[Walker]

How about adding Ferenc Puskas to the team?

[Carnivore but nice with it.]

Phil

Why didn't you start a chain of correspondence to name Football's Greatest F XI with creaking sub's bench.

He are some of my all time f-favourites

Paul Gascoigne,
John Robertson, who scored the only goal in Forest's European Cup win over Hamburg,
Brian Dear, the Hammers' Happy Hippo, a master of mud,
Francis Lee,
Fatty Foulkes,
and the greatest of all:
Diego Armando 'el Gordo' Maradona.

Please add your own.

[Dom]

I thought the F word in question would be 'Fulham'

As in... Bobby Zamora, you've been transfer listed, we've had Roy on the phone.. you're off to Fulham.

Would send a shiver down my spine anyway, but remember... there's only one F'in Fulham!